Killer Joke Thread [Archive] - Page 2 - Broadband ADSL | Internet | Computers | Software

hj2k_x

31-03-2006, 10:51 AM

1. You can eat half dried meat and not be considered disgusting.

2. Nothing is your fault, you can blame it all on apartheid.

3. You get to buy a new car every 3 months and the insurance company even pays for it.

4. You can experience *** service in eleven official languages.

5. Where else can you get oranges with 45% alcohol content at rugby matches?

6. It's the only country in the world where striking workers show;
how angry they are by dancing.

7. You're considered clumsy if you cannot: use a cell phone (without car kit), change CDs, drink a beer, put on make-up, read the newspaper and smoke,
all at the same time while driving a car at 160 kph in a 60 kph zone.

8. Great accent. (!!!)

9. If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in the
most dangerous city in the world.

10. Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for your house.

11. You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire.

12. The tow-trucks are the first on the scene for most major crimes, without being called. The police you have to call about three times.

13. Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.

14. Illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate is too high.

15. The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported.

16. When a murderer gets a 6 month sentence and a pirate TV viewer 2 years.

17. The prisoners strike and get to vote in elections!

18. The police stations have panic buttons to call armed response when they are burgled

19. Police cars are fitted with immobilisers and gearlocks!

Ja nee!! Dis f0kken lekker hier!!

actually i mean that these were so true!! :)

*mumbles about a dirty mouse causing frequent mispostings...

SlickNick

31-03-2006, 01:05 PM

lol was wondering why :D

mikef

03-04-2006, 08:35 AM

A true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern.

Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station this breath-alyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

Luke7777

03-04-2006, 08:52 AM

Colin came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Colin, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Colin was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Colin was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Colin, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Colin "Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting....

"Colin, wake up you drunken bastard, you're sh*tting in the bed"

Luke7777

03-04-2006, 08:54 AM

Waar kom die sêding " Ek het jou lief" vandaan?

Eva bad innie stroompie en haar blaartjie dryf weg... Toe sy klaar is en oppie wal kom, toe staan Adam daar, en swaai haar blaartjie heen en weer, en sê:

Eva, êk't djou 'leaf'.

SlickNick

04-04-2006, 12:40 PM

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted

SlickNick

06-04-2006, 08:05 AM

A black guy and his wife are invited to a fancy dress party. He tells his wife to go and look for the costumes.

That night, when he gets back from work, he finds on the bed a SUPERMAN costume.
Shouting, he says to his wife: "What the f*#k is this ?
When have you ever seen a black SUPERMAN ?"
The wife is upset and goes back to the shop to exchange it.
When the husband arrives, on the bed he sees a BATMAN costume and he
shouts: "You are a f*#k mad woman. When have you seen a black BATMAN ?
Go and change it for something better."
The wife is now very annoyed, she returns the costume and buys various things. On the bed she places 3 white buttons, a white belt and a wooden pole.
When the husband returns and finds the objects on the bed, he says to His wife: "What's this?"
The wife responds: " It's so that you can choose your costume:
If you take off your clothes and stick the buttons to your body you can Go as a Domino, If you don't like that you can wear the white belt and go as an Oreo biscuit, If your still not happy you can stick the pole up your ass and go as a MAGNUM"

SlickNick

07-04-2006, 02:10 PM

Die ou ry te vinnig en 'n spietkop trek hom af. Toe hy sy venster oopdraai, haak die spietkop af en gee hom 'n taaie klap.

Bestuurder (Verboureerd): Waarvoor was dit?

Spietkop: As ek jou stop en jy maak jou venster oop, moet jou bestuurslisensie reeds in jou hand wees! Moenie my tyd mors nie! Die spietkop loop om die motor en klop by die passasier se venster. Die bestuurder se pel draai sy venster af en WHAP, klap die Spietkop hom ook.

Passasier (Verskrik): Hei, ek bestuur nie, waarvoor is dit?

Spietkop: Ek het gou jou wens vervul...

Passasier: Watter wens is dit nogal?

Spietkop: Sodra julle hier weg ry en voor jy en jou tjommie oor die eerste bult was, sou jy vir hom gesê het "Hy moet daai *** met MY getraai het..."

ant101

10-04-2006, 10:03 AM

A High School Girl Finally Had The Opportunity To Go To A Party Alone, Since She Was Good Looking, She Was A Bit Nervous About What To Do if Boys Hit On Her, So Her Mom Said, It's Very Easy, Whenever A Boy Starts Hitting On You, You Ask Him,
"what Will Be The Name Of Our Baby?" That Will Scare Them Off, So She Went.

After A Little While At The Party A Boy Started Dancing With Her, And Little By Little, Kissing Her And Touching Her. She Asked Him,
"what Will Our Baby Be Called?" The Boy Found Some Excuse And Disappeared.
Some Time Later The Same Thing Happened Again, A Boy Started To Kiss Her Neck, Her Shoulders........ She Stopped Him And Asked Him,
"what Will Be The Name Of Our Baby?"
He Ran Off.
Later On, Another Boy Invited Her For A Walk, After A Few Minutes He Started Kissing Her And She Asked Him, "what Will Our Baby Be Called?"
He Continued, Now Slowly Taking Her Clothes Off.
"what Will Our Baby Be Called?" She Asked Once More.
He Began To Have Sex With Her. "what Will Our Baby Be Called?" She Asked Again.
After He Was Done, He Peeled Off His Condom, Tied It In A Knot And
Said....
"if He Gets Out Of This One.........
He Will Be Called ................
Chuck Norris !

SlickNick

11-04-2006, 02:45 PM

Chuck Norris invented C++ after roundhouse kicking C - TWICE
Chuck Norris is the Domain controller
Chuck Norris has the IP 0.0.0.0
Chuck Norris is mailer-daemon
Chuck Norris is Dr Watson
format c: is the request to have Chuck Norris come roundhouse kick your PC
Chuck Norris has Windows XP on his Apple MAC
Chuck Norris never gets the page cannot be displayed error
Machine code is another name for Chuck Norris language
Chuck Norris CPU doesn't have a fan
Chuck Norris can write DVDs on floppy drive
Chuck Norris invented the internet
Chuck Norris can paste pics in Notepad
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his 14400k modem & that’s how we got ADSL
Chuck Norris's Dot matrix printer prints photos - in colour
Chuck Norris uses Notepad for a database
Chuck Norris' PC speaker gives him 7.1 DTS surround sound
Chuck Norris monitor has no glare... no-one glares at Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can edit PDF files
Chuck Norris rips CDs with his hands
Chuck Norris can download Metallica mp3s using Naspter
Chuck Norris has a yahoo account with hotmail
Chuck Norris has an Intel CPU on an AMD motherboard
Chuck Norris has to chain his mouse to his desktop
Chuck Norris can program a MAC with excel macros
Chuck Norris website has never had a hit - Nobody hits Chuck Norris' website
Chuck Norris never forgets to send the attachments with his outgoing emails.

Myrrdin

13-04-2006, 08:30 AM

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at rugby, and your biltong is getting wet, then, for the eating period only, it is permissible.

2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However you can Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you intentionally trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding S*x pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have S*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal 'drunken monkey S*x', the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was, occurs.

25.I t is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Play station II. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

BECAUSE I AM A MAN

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. The AA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function).

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either S*x, cars or sport. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

Myrrdin

14-04-2006, 01:28 PM

One dark night outside a small town near Poulsbo,Washington, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

Luke7777

02-05-2006, 10:44 AM

The Onion salary: if you touch it, you start crying.
The Diet salary: makes you eat less every time.
The Atheist salary: you start having serious doubts about its existence.
The Thunderstorm salary: you don't know when it will come or how long it will last.
The Gallows Humour salary: you laugh hysterically to stop yourself from crying.
The Conservative salary: deprives you from being inspirational.
The Impotence salary: lets you down whenever you need it most.
The Period salary: comes once a month and last for about three days.
The Arctic salary: has been frozen for 30 years.
The Free State salary: gives you a reason to smile once every 26 years.
The Western Province salary: pathetic- but at least you can say you work in a nice place.
The Springbok salary: a high point here and there, but mostly disappointing.
The Blue movie salary: there was a time when you were fascinated, but now you've lost interest

fingalickingood

11-05-2006, 04:03 PM

A guy goes to a zoo.
The zoo only had a dog.
It was a ****zu.

:D

AAAAAAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! im laughing my socks off here!!! :p :D

Soulburner

12-05-2006, 07:18 AM

Interesting health fact

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the

eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving

people a *****ty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if

it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.....;) :D

SlickNick

16-05-2006, 02:05 PM

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a
little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud,
"Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered
me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto
your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.

You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English
can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse
with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't
afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get
me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands
everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is
delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know
if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the
postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him
at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her
nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his
knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day

SlickNick

17-05-2006, 12:15 PM

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to
someone else.

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said: "I'll give
you a £100 if you let me have you" but the girl said "NO".

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down,
and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't
even be able to get his trousers down. So she agrees and accepts the
proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She said "The Son of B!tch used coins".

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

albert123

17-05-2006, 04:27 PM

my joke :

Maby telkom decided NOT to reduce the prices in March as promised and rather spend it on improving service!!

:D :D :D

Soulburner

18-05-2006, 11:20 AM

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function.

He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind.

You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, b*tch, I'm married!!!".

Broken table - R585.26

Hot breakfast - R42.20

Red Rose bud - R35.00

Two aspirins - R8.00

Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless

DigitalSoldier

18-05-2006, 11:48 AM

‘n Pragtige vrou kom sit langs ‘n passasier op ‘n lang, internasionale vlug. Hy laat nie op hom wag nie en vra: “Sake of plesier?” “Ek is op pad na die jaarkongres van die Vereniging van Nimfomane. Ek gaan daar ‘n lesig gee oor seksuele mites”, sê die vrou.

Die perd kan kwalik sy geluk glo en vra: “ En wat is die mites?”

“Wel, sê die vrou, “dis ‘n mite dat Amerikaanse mans die bes bedeeldes is van alle mans. Dis in werklikheid Amerikaanse Indiane. Nog ‘n mite is dat Franse mans die beste minnaars is. Mans van Indiese herkoms is beter minnaars. Verder het ons bevind Afrikaanse mans is nie net goeie minnaars nie, maar het ook die beste uithoevermoë van almal. Maar voordat ons verder gesels, wat is jou naam?” vra sy.

“Tonto,” antwoord die man, “Tonto Moddley. Maar al my vriende noem my Frik.”

R_KZN

18-05-2006, 12:15 PM

Two old men feeling they are close to their last days on earth, decided to have a last night on the town. After drinks they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two rooms, and put an inflated doll in each bed. I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. These two are so old and drunk, they wont know the difference."

The two men go up the stairs and take care of their business and indeed, they did not know the difference!
As they are walking home, the first one says, "You know - I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead?"says his friend, "Why would you think that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was making love to her."
His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."
"A WITCH! Why would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on her neck, and I gave her a little bite, and then she farted and flew out the window!!"

kingmonty

23-05-2006, 01:38 PM

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

albert123

23-05-2006, 01:39 PM

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
ROFLMAO

Soulburner

05-06-2006, 08:34 AM

Ali G went to his mate's fancy dress costume party wearing nothing but a girl on his back.

"So what are you supposed to be?" the host asked indignantly.

"I Iz a snail," Ali replied.

The exasperated host asked,"How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?"

Ali replied. "Dat Iz Michelle."

Right Click

05-06-2006, 09:23 PM

Why does Zuma cry during sex?

Mace does that.

viperdj

07-06-2006, 03:00 AM

A guy leaves the pub one evening, he stays a few blocks away from the pub and walks home, As he rounds the corner about 2 blocks away from his house, he hears what sounds like footsteps behind him. He doesn't want to show fear so he walks a little faster. The footsteps are still behind him, not daring to turn around he goes into a slow jog.
About half a block from his house he can stand it no more, he turns to see who is following him. To his amazement and horror, he sees that it's a coffin:eek: .
Now he is ***** scared so he breaks into a full canter, and the coffin keeps coming.

In a mad dash he opens the garden gate, and fumbles with the front door, just as he gets through, he sees the coffin crash through the garden gate and come up the path.

He slams the door shut and runs up the stairs to the landing. The coffin bursts through the door with an almighty crash. The guy doesn't know what to do, so he heads into the first open door, the bathroom.

He is up ***** creek without a paddle, he deadbolts the door and cowers under the bathroom sink. He hears the coffin coming up the stairs, then it's on the landing.
The guy goes into panic mode, the coffin bursts thru the door. The guy is now frantic, he opens the bathroom cabinet and starts hurling whatever he can find at the coffin. Shaving cream, and the coffin keeps coming.

Toothpaste and the coffin keeps coming, Mouthwash, and the coffin keeps coming.

Out of sheer desperation he hurls the last bottle on the shelf, cough mixture................................... and the coffin stops.:D

Soulburner

07-06-2006, 07:17 AM

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said," NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

Luke7777

07-06-2006, 09:19 AM

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear of the Harley, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mudpit and soon he too began to sink. He cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

kingmonty

13-06-2006, 01:11 PM

An old but good one:

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Soulburner

13-06-2006, 02:54 PM

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhoea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhoea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

kingmonty

13-06-2006, 03:10 PM

ROFL *wipes tears from eyes*

Luke7777

06-07-2006, 11:16 AM

Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally we get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house.

You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children.

So, for G*d's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.

DigitalSoldier

06-07-2006, 12:19 PM

LOL Luke

Thats a scary joke :D

Myrrdin

12-07-2006, 10:09 AM

The meaning of "secure a building" in different branches of the military:

If you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

Air Force personnel would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Myrrdin

12-07-2006, 10:10 AM

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," the boy replied, still focused on the plaque. Then he asked, "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:

"Which service: the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

Myrrdin

12-07-2006, 10:11 AM

Microsoft Windows 98's secret:

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned having recently installed Windows 98 on my PC and that I am very happy with this operating system. I also showed him the Windows 98 CD, and to my surprise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.'

After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but then on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription; an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C20 4F6E65204F5320746
F2066696E64207468656D2CDA4F6E65204F5320746F2062726 96E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062 696E64207468656D

'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said.

'No,' he said 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

Myrrdin

12-07-2006, 10:13 AM

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. Here is a true story:

Lena was hired at the factory and she reported for her 1st day promptly at 8:00 a.m. The following day, at 8:45, there was a knock at the personnel manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line threw open the door and began to rant about his new employee, Lena. He complained that she was incredibly slow and that the entire production line was behind schedule and backing up!

The personnel manager decided he should see this for himself, so the two men marched down to the factory floor. When they got there, the line was so backed up, there were Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they were really beginning to pile up at the end of the line stood Lena, surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began carefully to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager stared for a few seconds, saw what was happening, and burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulled himself together and approached Lena. "I'm sorry," he said to her. Barely able to keep a straight face, he said, "I think you misunderstood the instructions given you yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles ..."

Myrrdin

12-07-2006, 10:19 AM

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 9 of the 11 provinces the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S**T!" Only the provinces of Gauteng and Free State were different. There, 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

Creed

13-07-2006, 02:13 PM

I just got this joke forwarded to me,I hope it hasn't been posted before but there are soo many posts in this thread :)

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing the "hottness" of a friend of hers. This can only lead to withheld sex with long term memory .

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

Luke7777

17-07-2006, 09:20 AM

Scenario:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and
you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed
as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer:
Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed.

Roy Munson

17-07-2006, 12:35 PM

What do you call an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?

Someone who lies awake at night and wonders whether there is a Dog.

Roy Munson

17-07-2006, 12:37 PM

Mike en Kallie sit ek kyk na Mike se hond wat sy privaatdele lek.
Kallie vra vir Mike:"Wens jy nie soms jy kon dit doen nie?"
Mike sê:"Is jy stupid? Hy sal jou mos byt!"

Roy Munson

17-07-2006, 12:40 PM

Mike is rooi gebrand na die krieket game en iemand vra hom:"Is jy rooi van die son?"
Mike sê: "Nee, ek is Mike van die aarde".

DigitalSoldier

23-07-2006, 02:20 PM

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is living in a shabby little apartment, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Ummm...no."

"Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, cannot hold a steady job?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "Or that my sister is a single mother with three children to raise?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again:

"--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!"

DigitalSoldier

23-07-2006, 02:22 PM

A mother-in-law visits her son-in-law before leaving for a trip. They are sipping coffee and chatting.

Suddenly, the mother-in-law looks at the clock and jumps off her chair exclaiming, "My god! It's already 3 p.m. I'm about to miss my train!" She begins to gather her luggage.

At this moment, the son-in-law's daughter runs up to her and announces, "Don't hurry, granny! Daddy moved the clock two hours ahead!"

DigitalSoldier

23-07-2006, 02:31 PM

A guy and his blonde girlfriend were driving to the movies one night for a date. As the guy was making a right turn, he noticed that his turn signal light inside the car didn't light up at all.

As he approached the next right turn, he asked his girlfriend to stick her head out the window to tell him if his turn signal was working. She happily obliged and at the turn she stuck her head out the window and replied, "It is...It isn't....It is.....It isn't....It is....It isn't."

Luke7777

03-08-2006, 02:06 PM

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes wind and says, "Five Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart rugby."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Try, Scores are even."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 10 to 5"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, Tied score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally sh*ts in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

Moederloos

03-08-2006, 02:11 PM

A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth.

"Can you guess what it is?"

"I don't know," said the boy.

"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning."

The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ass."

SlickNick

18-08-2006, 01:13 PM

Three mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

A grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet
we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we
can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers.

The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of
times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all
piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"

"How in the world did you guess?!?"

The grandmas, snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from
ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "Because we were at your
birthday party yesterday!"

Moederloos

18-08-2006, 03:14 PM

Alternative methods of notifying someone that their fly is unzipped

The cucumber has left the salad.
Robin has left the hood.
I can see the gun of Navarone.
Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
You've got Windows on your laptop.
Your soldier ain't so unknown anymore.
Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

SlickNick

04-09-2006, 01:28 PM

Die eend loop by die kroeg in en vra die kroegman: " Het jy brood?"

Kroegman: "Nee"
Eend: "Enige brood?"
Kroegman: "Nee"
Eend: "Niks brood nie?"
Kroegman: "Nee, ons het nie enige &*^%$ brood nie!!!"
Eend: "Nie eers ou brood nie?"
Kroegman: "Is jy doof of wat? Ons het nie &*^%$ brood nie! As jy my
weer vra, gaan ek jou &*^%$ bek aan die kroegtoonbank vasspyker"
Eend: "Het jy spykers?"
Kroegman: "Nee"
Eend: "En brood?"

Ekhaatvensters

04-09-2006, 01:58 PM

Okay, so I want out find out how many people share my sense of humour. So here goes, if you find this funny or like this kind of thing... im not alone.

How long does it take to fry a baby in a microwave?

I dont know, I was too busy masturbating.
lolololol
Okay, so maby its not the best example.. a bit crude, but basically, who here laughs about baby rape, AIDS, asians, butsex (and barbwire can be assosiated) and jews. And hippies, oh and some assorted minotities dying etc

Anyone?

SlickNick

04-09-2006, 02:10 PM

web

04-09-2006, 02:14 PM

spiderz

04-09-2006, 02:16 PM

Okay, so I want out find out how many people share my sense of humour. So here goes, if you find this funny or like this kind of thing... im not alone.

lolololol
Okay, so maby its not the best example.. a bit crude, but basically, who here laughs about baby rape, AIDS, asians, butsex (and barbwire can be assosiated) and jews. And hippies, oh and some assorted minotities dying etc

Anyone?

Ur all alone here boet ...

dominic

04-09-2006, 02:21 PM

what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

having your nipples connected to the mains and being flogged by a whip...

what's got a thousand balls and fscks chickens?

shotgun

ekhaat - i am with you but have generally learnt to keep these tendencies way below the radar

Ekhaatvensters

04-09-2006, 02:41 PM

okay okay... I couldnt live alone anymore.

Thanks domonic, I gues your right.. have to kep the "bone snapping insanity" (baby rape referance, also not my words, but hope it helps you guys understand the humour) to my self..

Oh, and dominic you might want to read this.. hilarious: http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/newsletter_060506.htm

its the middle part (about baby rape, you guessed it) thats the funnies, but the whole thing is prety good.

Nice jokes too btw.

Myrrdin

25-10-2006, 03:11 PM

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit p*ssed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show off his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again.

"No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly p*ssed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
....

...

...

...

...

...

...

starts to sing .....

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

chiskop

25-10-2006, 03:18 PM

:D :D
rofl

Datura

31-10-2006, 08:29 AM

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep >the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8

(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10

Luke7777

21-11-2006, 02:15 PM

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly :

"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said :

"I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening :

"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clean clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

wizdumb

21-11-2006, 04:51 PM

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at
work.
Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal
lovers
and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's
husband
unexpectedly comes home. She hides her lover in the cupboard, not
realising that her little boy is in there already.

The little boy says: "Dark in here."
The man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a soccer ball do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "R250-00."

A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were
in
the cupboard together again.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have soccer boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy:

"How much?"

The boy says:"R750-00."

The secret lover says: "Fine, I will buy them."

A few days later, the father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and
boots,
let's go outside and have a game."

The boy says: "I can't, I sold them for R1000."

The father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that.....
R1000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you
to
church and make you confess your sins."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says: "Dark in here."
The priest says: "Don't start that sh*t again!"

wizdumb

23-11-2006, 09:15 AM

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Howzit Saddam!",a broken English voice said. "This is Koos here from the Doringboom Bar in Welkom, South Africa .

I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you boet! Jy gaan ***!!!"

"Well, Koos," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Koos, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Jan, my next door neighbour Lang Hannes, and the entire pool team from the pub. That makes eight plus a rotweiler named Sokkies!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Koos ,that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Liewe bliksem!",said Koos. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Koos called again. Saddam, my china, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Koos?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have 4 Hilux double cabs, two combies, a bulldozer, and vet Gert's John Deer."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1.5 million since we last spoke."

"Nee o donner!" said Koos. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Koos rang again the next day. "Saddam, ou swaer, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!

We've modified Doepie's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four okes from the Virginia hengel klub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes.

My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Goeie aarde!", said Koos, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Koos called again the next day. "Jis, jis, jis Saddam! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Koos, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of Klippies en Coke, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

ryan411

01-02-2007, 03:12 PM

dotVIBE

02-02-2007, 10:01 AM

20 Maniere om te weet jy is common :

1 Die Halloween pampoen op jou stoep het meer tande as jou girlfriend.

2 Jou twaalf jarige dogter mag rook by die tafel voor haar kinders.

3 Jy is al drie keer getroud maar jou skoon ouers bly dieselfde.

4 Jy dink chicks wat nie in jou belangstel nie, bestaan nie.

5 Jack Daniels is op jou lys van mense wat jy graag wil ontmoet.

6 Jy wonder hoe die garages hulle toilette so skoon hou.

7 As iemand in jou familie al dood is nadat hulle gesê het, "Hey, check dit
uit."

8 Jy dink Dom Perignon is 'n Mafia baas.

9 Jou vrou se hare het al vasgesit in die ceiling fan.

10 Jy dink Johnny Walker het die comrades gewen.

11 Jy het al 'n vuurhoutjie gestrike in jou huis en net die wiele het
oorgebly na die ontploffing.

12 Jy kan nie met jou sweetheart trou nie omdat die wet dit verbied.

13 Jy dink om die skottelgoedwasser te laai is om jou vrou dronk te kry.

14 Jou toilet papier het bladsy nommers.

15 Jou engelse buurman skree, "Hoe Down!" en jou chick val op die grond.

16 Jy het een volledige stel koppies en almal sê Wimpy.

17 Die grootste dorp wat jy al in was, was Boys Town.

18 Jou werkende TV sit bo op jou gebreekte TV.

19 Jou bure dink jy is 'n speurder want die polisie bring jou altyd huis
toe.

20 Jy het graad 3 gepass omdat jy by jou dogtertjie afgekyk het.

hj2k_x

02-02-2007, 02:54 PM

good to see this alive again :D

Myrrdin

16-02-2007, 10:13 AM

Two Irish hunters chartered a plane and pilot in Canada and set off to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly.

"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board
- he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the plane couldn't handle the load and went down...

A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick said "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Luke7777

21-02-2007, 09:07 AM

Two guys are sitting quietly in a boat, fishing and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Mzala

23-02-2007, 08:44 AM

The Minister of Public Works wanted to remodel her office, so she invited different contractors for tenders.

One was from Johannesburg, one from Durban and the last one from Soweto (BEE).

"OK gentlemen, I want a nice job ," She said, "Let's hear from Jhb?"

The guy took out his ultrasonic measuring device and laptop and began measuring, scrawling on the computer, calculating.

Eventually he said "R90 000, Madam Minister,"

"That seems like quite a lot of money! Why R90,000?"

"You see," he replied, "that's R40 000 for material, R40 000 for labour and R10 000 for my profit".

She seemed OK with that and turned to the Durban contractor. "So how much do you want to do the job?" she asked.

The Durban fella took out a rusted tape measure, broken clipboard and a blunt pencil. He took some measurements, scratched some calculations on the back of his Rothmans box and came up with a figure of R70,000.

"That's interesting!" said Stella. "Explain the R70 000?"

"Simple, Madam Minister, I got a brother-in-law in the hardware trade, so that's R35 000 for materials, R30,000 for my guys, and R5,000 for my profit and all."

She was amused but happy to accept the explanation.

Then she asked the Soweto contractor for his quotation. He just smiled, looked the minister in the eyes and said, "R270 000!"

"Yoh Yoh Yoh!....How did you come to that amount without even taking your measurements? What is that amount for?"

"That's R100 000 for me and R100 000 for you!"

"So what about the remaining R70 000?"

"We hire that guy from Durban to do the job!!!

Muks

23-02-2007, 10:35 AM

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He picks the least painful to spend his eternity.

He comes to the South African hell and finds that there is a long queue."

Amazed, he asks: "What do they do here?"

He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair. Then they lay you on a bed of nails. The South African devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

So he asks: "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells. Why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because Eskom is struggling, there is never any electricity, so the electric chair doesn't work. The nails were paid for but never delivered, so the bed is comfortable. And the South African devil used to be a civil servant. So he comes in, signs his time-sheet and goes out to do his private business for the rest of the day."

Myrrdin

26-03-2007, 12:25 PM

Pakistan is the only team to go to the world cup and come home with the ashes.

dominic

26-03-2007, 12:32 PM

Pakistan is the only team to go to the world cup and come home with the ashes.on that theme - jamaica have finally become world champions at bobslaying :cool:

chiskop

26-03-2007, 12:34 PM

Pakistan is the only team to go to the world cup and come home with the ashes.

on that theme - jamaica have finally become world champions at bobslaying :cool:

:D :eek: :D

MeNeZ

26-03-2007, 12:48 PM

Whats brown and sticky????

A brown stick... :D

Voted the worlds number 1 worst joke. LoL and I lurvv it!!

Followed closely by....

Whats pink and fluffy??????

chiskop

26-03-2007, 12:59 PM

Whats pink and fluffy??????

Well...?

stoke

26-03-2007, 01:01 PM

Pffffffffft ... everybody knows that .. duh.
Pink fluff.

What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding it's breath. Duh.

Rikus

26-03-2007, 01:09 PM

Barry Hilton One Liners...

1. I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had

nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day & said, "Come on over; nobody's

home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other

night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I

said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because

you came home early".

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put a shirt on & a

button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, & the handle came off. I'm

afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept

covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster &

radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She told

me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly... My father carries around a picture of the kid who

came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room & said to my

father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly... my mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped & they sent a piece of my

finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me

find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He

said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, & people kept asking how big

I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up & I

look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?"

He said... "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping

pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks & get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my

kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a

pyramid. His favourite bone is my arm. Last night he went on the paper

4 times - 3 of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in

t he electric chair

Rikus

26-03-2007, 01:10 PM

An old one, but still makes me smirk! Had it appear in my inbox...
again....! Ha Ha

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say
the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our
sex lives "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."

Rikus

26-03-2007, 01:11 PM

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.
I said, "What's wrong honey?"
Sad and broken up she looked at me and said - "Mommy, where's my booger?

Rikus

26-03-2007, 01:12 PM

Larry, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds flat, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Larry got up really early before work. When his
wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure
enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and
took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Larry is now in the 4th floor ICU

MeNeZ

26-03-2007, 01:18 PM

OMW I have tears in my eyes ^.^) Thats a rippa

Classic Barry, I can even imagine his accent and googly eyes!

Rikus

26-03-2007, 01:37 PM

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung
off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was
wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and
her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is
a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer
and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and
to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right,
but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Rikus

26-03-2007, 08:54 PM

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the
door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running
around at her feet.
"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the
product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and
say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.

But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you
for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me
exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put
it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out

Rikus

26-03-2007, 08:54 PM

A woman goes to England to attend a 2 week company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.

The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring
back for you?

The husband laughs and says: An English girl!!!

The woman keeps quiet and leaves.

Two weeks later the husband picks her up at the airport and asks:

"So,honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you "

"And, what happened to my present?"

"What present?"

"I asked you for an English girl?!"

"Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months
to see if it's a girl !!"

Rikus

26-03-2007, 08:55 PM

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science
classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question
directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He
sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for
the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer.
Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled,
then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen,
and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

Rikus

26-03-2007, 08:56 PM

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

"Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....

He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

Rikus

26-03-2007, 08:57 PM

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can
I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he
then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married
and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here
for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's
office."

Rikus

26-03-2007, 08:59 PM

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his penis.

Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young manÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed,

"So thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s how you load those things!"

Rikus

26-03-2007, 08:59 PM

An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old general sends
for his trusty Indian scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill
in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."

The trusty Indian scout lies down and puts his ear to the ground. "Heap
large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on
black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint. Many, many
guns. Medicine man also with them."

"Good grief!" exclaims the general. "You can tell all of that just by
listening to the ground?"

"No," replies the Indian, "I can see under the gate."

kiepie

28-03-2007, 03:17 PM

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned.
The Genie says,"....Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want....".
The Mexican begins thinking, "....Well, I really like drinking tequila....".
Finally the Mexican says, "....I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila....".
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it.
He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid...smells like tequila.
So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "....Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly....!"
She comes running down the passage, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it.
He tells her to drink it. It is tequila. Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.
It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.
He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up. Finally, Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, "....Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila..." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "....But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?...." Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE." ARRIBA!!!!!!! ARRIBA!!!!!!!

Shuffle

28-03-2007, 03:35 PM

Little Johnny sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas,"
and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".
The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger".

MeNeZ

28-03-2007, 03:50 PM

Sheesh Rikus, do you have a joke site saved in your favorites or something...should just post the link to the whole site instead of re-making it here lol :p

DigitalSoldier

28-03-2007, 03:53 PM

irc log

<DeadMansHand> haha, last night, me and pete went out to celebrate his engagement and got hugely drunk
<DeadMansHand> we got this great idea to bury eachother in the sand close to the water and see who would chicken out first
<DeadMansHand> took about a half hour, but the water got up to my face so i freaked and got out
<DeadMansHand> i looked around for pete and he must've chickened out before me and stumbled home or something heh
<DeadMansHand> What'd he say when he woke up this morning?
<Thirteen-> uhh.. he hasn't come home yet.. i thought he was staying with you?
<DeadMansHand> holy ****.
<DeadMansHand> i ****ing hope im wrong about what im thinking right now
<DeadMansHand> im ****ing going back to the beach to make sure
<DeadMansHand> if he gets home, call me, i don't want to be worrying about this
<Thirteen-> will do. you better hope he's not still buried, you'll be in deep ****.
quit: (DeadMansHand)
<Tyran> wtf? pete came home last night you ****. Ken's going to be worrying about this **** all day
<Thirteen-> haha yea, but it will be fun while it lasts
join: (PeteRepeat) (bob@3F8C4655.11D1C8C.18637D35.IP)
<PeteRepeat> ****ing ken
<PeteRepeat> ken... that ****er buried me in the sand last night, i ran off about 5 minutes to it, left him there to be an idiot
<quiqsilver> pete, ken didn't come back last night, i thought he was with you.
<PeteRepeat> oh ****.
<PeteRepeat> if ken shows up, make sure he doesn't know that im at the beach digging for his body. i don't want him to think i care or anything.
quit: (PeteRepeat)
<Thirteen-> rofl. Those 2 are going to get a huge surprise when they meet at the beach.
<Tyran> i can't beleive how perfect their timing was

PDropa

28-03-2007, 04:14 PM

What?

Rikus

28-03-2007, 05:31 PM

Sheesh Rikus, do you have a joke site saved in your favorites or something...should just post the link to the whole site instead of re-making it here lol :p
I'll stop.
:o :o

Tux

29-03-2007, 02:17 AM

A husband and wife are in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing against her shoulder.
"Oh honey, that feels good.", she says.
His hand moves to her breast.
"Gee, honey, that feels wonderful.", she says.
His hand moves to her leg.
"Oh, honey, don't stop." she begs.
But he stops.................
"Why did you stop?" she cries ???
"I found the remote..." he replied

MeNeZ

29-03-2007, 08:41 AM

I'll stop.
:o :o

LoL, no stress :D

Sorry, I'm very sarcastic and have uncontrollable urges to comment and add my 2c on most things...

VernD

29-03-2007, 08:44 AM

A Husband Comes Home From Church; Greets His Wife And Lifts Her Up.
He Carries Her Around The House. The Wife Is So Surprised And Asks
"Did The Pastor Preach About Being Romantic"?

The Husband Said " No, He Said We Must Carry Our Burdens ..

chiskop

29-03-2007, 08:58 AM

Pakistan is the only team to go to the world cup and come home with the ashes.

Yeah, and yet they call the South Africans "chokers"?

skoob

29-03-2007, 09:12 AM

What men say and what they actually mean . . .
"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR
"YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F-Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

skoob

29-03-2007, 09:17 AM

38,562 men were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy.
97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.:D :D :D

Shake&Bake

29-03-2007, 09:39 AM

Loved the Barry Hilton - Hell he is my favourite COUSIN! :D keep it up Rikus!

Freak_c

29-03-2007, 10:49 AM

A bit sexiest but funny I think:

Q: How do you fix a broken dishwasher?

A: You slap the bitch!

PDropa

29-03-2007, 10:51 AM

Q: How do you fix a broken dishwasher?

A: You slap the bitch!

:D :D :D

That is one i am going to use.

What do you tell a girl with two black eyes?

Nothing. You've told her twice already!

Rikus

29-03-2007, 10:10 PM

Jabu's Letter to Truworths:

Dear Sir/Madam

I acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 7 January 2007 in which for the
third time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you. I first want you to know that by no means do I dispute my debt and I intend to reimburse you as soon as possible.

However, I bring to your attention that I have many more creditors, quite as honourable as you, and whom I wish to reimburse too. That is why, each month, I throw all the names of my creditors into a hat and draw one randomly whom I hasten to refund immediately.

I hope that yours will come out shortly.

Sincerely Yours,
Jabu

PS: I have great regret in informing you that given the unceremonious tone of your last letter, you will not be taking part in the next three draws.

Kind regards,
Jabu

Rikus

29-03-2007, 10:12 PM

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Rikus

29-03-2007, 10:13 PM

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$80,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is???!!!"

Rikus

29-03-2007, 10:20 PM

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me that it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

" How long will this take?", I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years", my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think that rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat, he says "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therepy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Rikus

29-03-2007, 10:20 PM

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

Rikus

29-03-2007, 10:21 PM

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

Rikus

29-03-2007, 10:21 PM

A drunk guy staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession
box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man
says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get
the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies,
"No use knocking, mate.....
there's no paper in this one either...

Rikus

29-03-2007, 10:22 PM

On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church. After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked.
An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church.
"Who is it?" they called out.
"I'm the blind man," came the reply.
The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them.
They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting. They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.
"Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"

Rikus

29-03-2007, 10:22 PM

One tequila,
Two tequila,
Three tequila,

Floor!

Rikus

29-03-2007, 10:45 PM

A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm
Catholic too!"

"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley"

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a
hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My
dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm
married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a
Halloween party."

Rikus

29-03-2007, 10:46 PM

"A Horny Salesman"

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 365 East West Street.

By mistake, he went to 365 WEST East Street, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him.

She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered.

Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."

"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

Rikus

29-03-2007, 10:47 PM

Advice for the unmarried....

When I was younger I hated going to weddings...it seemed that all of the aunts and the grandmotherly types would come up to me, poke me in the ribs, and tell me, "You're next." They stopped that **** after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals....

-----Barry H.

Rikus

29-03-2007, 10:49 PM

Krisjan pulls into a service station (not Total) in his battered bakkie,clad in tattered khakis, velskoene, whiskers and ragged hat.

He hands the attendant the keys complete with a beautiful vierkleur flag:

Krisjan: "Goeie more. Maak vol met Super, asseblief." (Good morning, Please fill up with high octane)

Attendant: "How much?"

Krisjan: "Vol asseblief." (Fill up, please).

Attendant: "I only speak English!"

Krisjan: "No problem. Good day to you Sir. I currently feel a profound desire to replenish the propellant of my motorised vehicle.Therefore, cordially request you to transfer, from your subterranean reservoir, a sufficient quantity of combustible fluid of the highest octane

rating to fill the appropriate receptacle of the said means of perambulation to the brim."

Attendant: "Hau?" (Ehh {very confosed} ??)

Krisjan: "Do you have a problem Sir? I thought you said you spoke english?"

Attendant: "English, That is not English!"

Krisjan: "My dear Sir, are you veritably attempting to insinuate

that you do not even recognise the language which you allege to be

your singular means of communication?"

Attendant: "Hau?"

Krisjan: "Let me attempt to elucidate in the most elementary terms; your paltry grasp of English vernacular is frittering away the time at my disposal or as I would put it in a civilised intelligible language Dit is heel ***ken duidelik, soos daglig, dat jy ***OL van Engels

weet. So, kry jou slapgat in rat en maak hierdie kar se tank vol voordat ek hier uitklim en jou bliksem want jy mors my verdomde tyd!!!!!!!!! Verstaan jy nou?!!"

Attendant: "Ja Meneer. Vol Meneer? Afrikaans is beter Meneer" (Yes, sir, fill it up sir ? Afrikaans is better sir).

Krisjan: "Dankie!" (Thank you !)

Rikus

29-03-2007, 10:51 PM

BARRY HILTON ON STUPIDITY

Dof people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'M DOF." That way
you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.

It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. Didn't see your sign."
It's like before my boeta and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and
there was a Pickfords truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and
choons, "Hey,you moving?" "Noooit bru. We just pack our stuff up once or
twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign!"

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a mate of mine, we pulled his
boat into the ramp, I lifted up this big w hiting and this idiot on the
ramp goes, "Hey, you catch all those fish?" "Nooit cuzzi. Talked 'em
into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There
was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test
it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They
want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts
when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna
lose it".

Last time I had a flat tyre, I pulled my car into a petrol station. The
'pomp jockey' walks out, looks at my car, looks at me, and I SWEAR he
choons, "Tyre go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nooit Baba. I & gt;
was driving around and those other three just swelled up on me. Here's
your sign."

I was trying to sell my 'jammie' about a year ago. A guy came over to
the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to
the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust
pipe, then says, "Jislaaik, that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his
sign, I could have stopped him!

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days in the 'mag'. Wouldn't you
know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck And I
couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help And
eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through His
basic questioning... ok.. no problem. I thought sure he was clear of
needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't
help myself. I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to
him took my sign off and chooned, "No. I'm delivering a bridge. Here's
Your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and
chooned, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes
ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know, need a sign today? Send this to all your chinas! The
next time someone says something dof, you can ask them: Where's your
sign?

Rikus

29-03-2007, 10:54 PM

Girls, I hope this does not sound familiar...

Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-thru" cash
point machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without
leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up.

Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN number.
4. Enter amount of cash required.
5. Retrieve card, cash & receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car window
with machine.
3. Re-start the stalled engine.
4. Wind down window.
5. Find Handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to
locate card.
6. Locate make-up bag and check make up in rear view mirror.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
9. Insert card.
10. Re-insert card the right way up.
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the inside.
12. Enter PIN.
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14. Enter amount of cash required.
15. Re-check make up in rear view mirror.
16. Retrieve cash and receipt.
17. Empty hand bag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
18. Place receipt in back of cheque book.
19. Re-check make up again.
20. Drive forward 2 metres.
21. Reverse back to cash machine.
22. Retrieve card.
23. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder and place card into the slot
provided.
24. Re-check make up.
25. Re-start stalled engine and pull away.
26. Drive for 6 miles
27. Release Hand Brake.

HA-haHa.

Rikus

29-03-2007, 10:58 PM

Steve and Robert were out hiking one day when Steve pulls out

a cigar, but he didn't have a lighter. His friend reaches into

his backpack and pulls out a 12-inch Bic lighter. "Wow!" Steve

says. "Where did you get that?"

"I have a genie." Robert explains. "What? A genie?! Can I see

him?" Steve asks. Robert opens his backpack, pulls out an old

bottle, uncorks it, and out pops a genie. "Hey genie, since

I'm a good friend of your master will you grant me one wish?"

Steve says, figuring it couldn't hurt to ask." Certainly."

The genie replies.

Steve immediately asks him for a million bucks. The genie nods

his head once and pops back into the bottle, pulling the cork

in behind him. The two men stand there, and Steve looks at his

friend, wondering where his money is. Suddenly the sky gets

darker and they look up to see a million ducks flying

overheard. Steve says, "Hey! I asked for a million bucks, not

a million ducks!"

Robert answers, "I guess I forgot to tell you that the

genie is hard of hearing. Did you really think I asked for

a 12-inch Bic?"

Rikus

29-03-2007, 10:59 PM

G.W.Bush and a couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods

when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the

operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

....There is a silence, then a shot is heard.....

The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Rikus

29-03-2007, 11:06 PM

Mens Rules

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When your Date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move:
a. Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident

6. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move:
a. You'd rather stay home and watch speed buggy reruns.

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actua
lly marry her.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum w
aiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scor
es on the classic 1-10 scale.

9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a Mate's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temp
erature is unsuitable.

10. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man (in fact, even remember
ing your Mate's birthday is strictly optional).

11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

12. While your girlfriend must bond with your Mates' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them,
you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads--- low level sports bo
nding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard and we drew the short st
raw on that one).

13. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in
public wearing more than one swoosh.

14. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the g
ame in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

15. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap he
r head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfrien
d.

16. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...
.and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

17. Only in situations of Moral and/or Ass peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

18. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

19. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

20. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

21. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate know
ledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.

22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if i
t was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just
plain mean.

25. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex
pending your response.

27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?>

28. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting
in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you ne
ed.

29. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her.
Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

30. When a Mate is trying to hook you up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no c
hance of getting laid either.

31. You cannot rat out a co-worker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, h
ide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down s
o he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

32. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey se
x, the fact that your feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discus
sion about what a big mistake it was.

Rikus

29-03-2007, 11:11 PM

Strange Laws

1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,
but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a
male animal is punishable by death.

2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's
genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during
the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This
also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased
must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Whoa!)

5. There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam
law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just
think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world
that even comes close to this?)

6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any
manner desired.

7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores.

8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her
husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be
in the room to witness the act.

9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time.
(This was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines
with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a
vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are
sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? ... Not as great as Guam,
though!!)

Rikus

29-03-2007, 11:12 PM

An Australian passenger plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive.

After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue.

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love.

One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.

"Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".

"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on myshirt?"

"OK"

"And my trousers?"

"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips.

"OK, can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!

Rikus

29-03-2007, 11:12 PM

"The Gynecologist"

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "Correct," says thedoctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now", he says. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breastcancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

Rikus

29-03-2007, 11:14 PM

CAMPING

Two stockbrokers, Charles and Merrill, burnt out from the market plunge, go camping for a month in the mountains. After about a week in the woods together, they are practically at each other's throats.

"Look," Charles says finally, "tomorrow we'll split up and spend the day apart. You go that way and I'll go this way. We'll meet back here tomorrow night."

Merrill agrees that it's a good idea.

The next day they go their separate ways for the entire day. In the evening, they meet back at the campsite.

"What kind of a day did you have?" Merrill wants to know.

"Man,", Charles responds, "I had a great day!!! I walked about a mile from here to an open field and sat up against a tree near a stream. It was so peaceful listening to the babbling brook and just being in touch with nature and my thoughts. Soon a little deer came out and was drinking from the stream. It was beautiful. All in all, a pleasurable day.

"How did your day go?" he asks Merrill.

"Let me tell you something," Merrill says. "I had the best time of my entire life today!!! I walked two or three miles to some railroad tracks. I saw a girl tied to the tracks, so I ran over and untied her. We had sex for the rest of the day. We did it in every position you could imagine. It was fantastic!!!"

"Wow, no kidding. That's great!!!" Charles says excitedly. "Did you get a blowjob??"

"No, I didn't," Merrill replies sadly. "I couldn't find her head."

Rikus

29-03-2007, 11:16 PM

BELOW ARE WAYS TO TELL THAT YOU'RE IN SOUTH AFRICA:

The police advise you not to stop if they wave you down in the
middle of the night, but rather speed past them and drive to your nearest policestation.

The Student Union "dimands" that academic achievement shouldn't be acriterion for university acceptance, as it is discriminatory.

Landlords may not evict illegal squatters unless they offer them
alternative accommodation.

Post Office workers are videotaped opening the mail and stealing
the contents, but the film may not be used in evidence, because the workers were not informed that they were being filmed and the filming is an intrusion on their privacy.

A government Minister is caught driving her car with a forged
license, but the case is dropped for "lack of evidence".

A minister of religion who stole millions from overseas-donated
funds for the oppressed, returns to the country to a hero's welcome and is officially welcomed by the government, represented by the Minister of Justice.

Government ministers meet with masked gang leaders to ask their
advice on how to reduce crime and violence.

Scholars protest at the lack of schooling facilities by destroying
school buildings.

The entire country sees a thug admit on TV news to murdering
several people, but the police say they have no case.

You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.

People start joking about the crime rate.

The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported.

You paint your car's registration number on the roof in large letters.

A Minister is fired and returns the government cell phone, but
keeps the government BMW

A 45-year-old engineer, gets replaced by a 25-year-old, who cannot write his own name.

The employees dance in front of the building to show how unhappy
they are.

20% of the city's population pays for everyone else's electricity and
water supply, and face prosecution if they refuse to pay.

A murderer gets a 2-year sentence and a pirate TV viewer a 6-
month sentence.

The Constitutional Court declares the death sentence
unconstitutional, but rules that abortion is okay.

The prisoners strike!!!

Police stations hire private security firms to protect them.

kokzn

30-03-2007, 09:09 AM

An Afrikaner guy, an Indian guy, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train.

The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.

Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel.

The old woman, beautiful girl and the Indian guy are sitting there looking perplexed. The Indian guy is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

The old woman is thinking: "That Indian guy must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped."

The Indian guy is thinking: "Damn it, that Afrikaner guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl. She thought it was me and slapped me instead."

The beautiful girl is thinking: "That Indian guy must have moved to kiss me, but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped."

The Afrikaner guy is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and moer that Indian guy again!"

kokzn

30-03-2007, 03:13 PM

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said.
" I am a Father."
The little boy replied.
"My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered.
"I am the Father of many."

The boy said.
"My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!

The priest, getting impatient, said.
"I am the Father of hundreds"and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said.

"Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar."

dablakmark8

30-03-2007, 05:42 PM

> > > A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and
> > > brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she
> > > poured him out on the patio table.
> > >
> > > Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking
> > > to him.
> > >
> > > "Irving, you know that fur-coat you promised me? I bought it with
> > > the insurance money!"
> > >
> > > "Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also
> > > bought it with the insurance money!"
> > >
> > > "Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too,
> > > with the insurance money!"
> > >
> > > Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember
> > > that B-L-O-W J-O-B I promised you? HERE IT COMES!!!"

dablakmark8

30-03-2007, 05:43 PM

Nudist Colony

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, did you call for me?"

The man replied, "No, what do you mean?"
She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.

"You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer. The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."

"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."

garyb01

31-03-2007, 10:23 AM

A traveling salesman was traveling through the Scottish Highland when his car broke down, and on yonder hill he saw a farm house.

He walked up to the house, knocked on the door which was opened by this huge red bearded Scottish Highlander. Upon hearing the mans predicament he offered him a bed for the night, while bragging about how the Scottish Highland hospitality was the best in the world and how no nation could compare.

The man was made to eat and sleep like a king that night and no expense was spared to make him comfortable. The next morning the Highlander went out to milk the cows and the salesman came down from his room only to behold the most gorgeous creature that he had ever had the honour of laying his eyes on, in the form of the farmers daughter.

Being a very good salesman and with the added advantage that this beautiful woman was not the sharpest tool in the shed, he was soon having his way with her, when in burst the Highlander.

Words cannot describe the shades of red that his faced turned and the pales of milk when crashing to the floor and in a voice that could only be described as utter rage he bellowed: "How can you? After all the bragging that I have been doing about the Scottish Highlands hospitality.............ARCH YOU BACK WOMAN, the poor mans balls are on the cold floor".........

Rikus

01-04-2007, 06:59 PM

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:00 PM

Today's jokes [4.1.07]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.

A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow
$200 for six months. The loan officer asks him what
kind of collateral he has. The man says 'I've got a
Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off
-- here are the keys.'

Six months later the man comes into the bank, pays
back the $200 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains
possession of the Rolls Royce.

The loan officer asks him, 'Sir, if I may ask, why
would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow
two hundred dollars?'

The man answers, 'I had to go to Europe for six months,
and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that
long for ten dollars?'

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:00 PM

At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his students human reproduction. For an exam, one of the questions was: "Female humans are born with a limited number of eggs, while males, during their lifetime, produce millions upon millions of sperm. Why are so many sperm produced?" One young woman's answer: "Because they won't ask for directions either."

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:01 PM

A friend of mine said he and his son were at the grocery store
when his son (about 9) asked him what "Oriole sex" was. I
told him the store wasn't a proper place to talk about it, but
I'd explain it to him on the way home. On the way, I decided to
tell the truth and explain it fairly graphic and clinical. I thought
I did pretty good until my son said, "Oh, you mean like a blow
job, huh?"

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:03 PM

Did you hear that there was a plane wreck in Ireland. The little
two-seater crashed right into grave yard. The rescue teams have
already found 1529 bodies.

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:05 PM

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:31 PM

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:33 PM

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:35 PM

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:36 PM

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:38 PM

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:40 PM

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:40 PM

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:41 PM

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:42 PM

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:44 PM

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:54 PM

How To Give Your Cat a Pill

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as
if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice
kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its
mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso
over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's
mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since
your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're
doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat
and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here,
anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to
flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or
woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth
at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:55 PM

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in
front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on
the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding
his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady
in the sheer dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the
poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
flirt w/the ape.

She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about
to tear the bars down.

The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the
thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him
you have a headache."

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:58 PM

A horse and a rabbit

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but
the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the
mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the
other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow
again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the
horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched
over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my dick and pull
yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
Mercedes!

Rikus

01-04-2007, 07:59 PM

A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life. She
cut her hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive.
She wanted to do random acts of kindness to see if it would
change her life.

While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer
who was trying to get his sheep across the road. She stopped
her car and waved the farmer across, thinking this would be her
first good deed.

After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer,
"your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many there are, could
I have one."

The farmer thought it impossible and told the blonde it was okay.

"637", said the blonde.

The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact
number, but lived up to his bargain.

"I'll take that feisty one over there", said the blonde.

Then the farmer said to the blonde, "Okay, now if I guess the
real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?

Rikus

01-04-2007, 08:04 PM

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her
mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies
come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had
finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

Rikus

01-04-2007, 08:06 PM

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a
couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt
his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they ****
you everytime!"

Rikus

01-04-2007, 08:07 PM

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old
girls house. One
day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting
the girl. He holds up
the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game,
and only boys can have a
football!". The little girl runs into the house and cries to her
mother, "I want a football!"
Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one.
The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on
his bike. She holds up
the football, "Nah Nah Nah Nah". The little boy angryly points to his
bike and says, "Oh
yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you
can't have one!" She
runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys
bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to
his most private of
parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you
one!!!". The next
day he walks by and asks her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which
she promptly pulls
up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me
that as long as I have
one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!

Rikus

01-04-2007, 08:08 PM

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the
cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception
of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third
bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the
cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the
glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and
drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the
sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I
corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted
the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were
twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I
had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the
affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as
you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the
drunker I stand here, the longer I get

Rikus

01-04-2007, 08:09 PM

Out All Night Drinking

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally
says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat
on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls
home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time
he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at
him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Rikus

01-04-2007, 08:10 PM

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's
have another round to
Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's
have another drink to
Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you
go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's
and I graduated in '62,
too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going
on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk
again."

Rikus

01-04-2007, 08:11 PM

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
double vodka."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
double vodkas.
The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

Rikus

01-04-2007, 08:12 PM

Two fags are on a picnic,and the first guy says,"I have to take a
dumpski,"and he walks into the woods to do it.
Several minutes later,the other guy hears the first guy crying
"Boo Hoo,I Had A Miscarriage.I Had A Miscarriage."
He runs into the woods to see what is going on.
When he gets there,the first guy is still crying,"Boo-Hoo I Had A
Miscarriage...
He looks down and says,"Don't be silly.You didn't have a miscarraige.You
had diarrhea on a toad."

Rikus

01-04-2007, 08:22 PM

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing
tour with a very rich African king who was a very important
client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary
is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her,
...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to
dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you
under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat
diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No
problem!! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I
want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I
want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and
calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods
his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that
she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to
think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints
her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I
want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests
his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African
dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking
really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I
cut."

Rikus

01-04-2007, 08:23 PM

The following was contributed by Emil:

A man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and says to the barman,
"cor! I've just had my first blow-job and it was great! -- I'll have a
large whiskey please, barman." The man takes his whiskey and downs it.
"Same again?" asks the barman. "Okay" says the man and downs the second.
He then orders a third and a forth and downs them both.In fact in total
he downs 27 whiskeys. "Do you want another?" asks the barman. "No I don't
think so", says the man, "If 27 whiskeys won't take away the taste
I don't think that another one will!"

Rikus

01-04-2007, 08:25 PM

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her
bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully
says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to
enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has
happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror on
the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright
flash and both his legs fall off.

Rikus

01-04-2007, 08:29 PM

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index,
2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch
of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell
one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who
was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those
people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That
is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Rikus

01-04-2007, 08:31 PM

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be
different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same
tricks over and over
again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows
each week and
began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood he started
shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the
flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades
?" The magician
was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's
parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself
on a piece of wood
in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at
each other with hate,
but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and
another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Rikus

01-04-2007, 08:32 PM

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Rikus

01-04-2007, 08:36 PM

What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge
display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French:
37 mating positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in
plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one.

Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found
that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.

Rikus

01-04-2007, 08:37 PM

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Rikus

01-04-2007, 08:41 PM

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led
down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had
given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and
a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning
to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you
please play The Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked,
"Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

Rikus

04-04-2007, 03:49 PM

A monkey was sitting on a tree and smoking his joint (Marjuana)and getting high. A small lizard approached him and asked What he was doing.
The monkey swang left right forward and back and said "I am smoking a joint, getting high and feeling good, do you want some?"
The lizard accepted the offer, took a puff, coughed a bit, and gave the joint back to the monkey.
The monkey laughed, "Ha Ha too strong for you? I am gonna finish it without any problem"

The lizard got thirsty said "Ya I feel thirsty and dizzy. I will go to the river drink some water and will be right back" And he headed to the river walking like someone realy stoned. The monkey laughed but was so stoned he fell off the tree.

The lizard was about to drink water from the river but slippe and fell into the river. A crocodile came, rescued him and saw his condition and asked "what is with you? you seem to be acting really funny?"
The Lizard told him the story and said "If you think I am acting funny, you shoud see the monkey under that tree" The crocodile thought that would be interesting and walked towards the tree. He approached the monkey and asked "Hey Monkey, how much did you smoke?"
The monkey slowly opened his eyes looked at the croc and exclaimed "Holy ~love~!! How much did you drink?

Rikus

04-04-2007, 03:50 PM

here was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big ~censored~ deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my *****."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my *****!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her *****, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

Rikus

04-04-2007, 03:51 PM

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!” The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Rikus

04-04-2007, 03:52 PM

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and asked to be taken to the O'Hare Airport.

On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh! TOYOTA!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

Not too long afterward, another car flew by the taxi.

"Ohh! NISSAN!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

Yet another car zipped by, and the tourist said, "Ohh! Mitsubishi!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

The taxi driver, who was 100% American, was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi as they were turning into the airport.

"Ohh! Honda!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"

The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, "That'll be $150."

"$150? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"

"Taxi meter. Made in Japan. Very fast."

Rikus

04-04-2007, 03:54 PM

1. Save every Free Credit Card Offer you get, Put it in pile A

2. Save every Free Coupon You get, put that in pile B

3. Now open the credit card mail from pile A and find the Business
Reply Mail Envelope.

4. Take the coupons from pile B and stuff them in the envelope you Hold your hand.

5. Drop the stuffed to the brim envelopes in your mail and walk away
whistling.

I have now received two phone calls from the credit card companies
telling me that they received a stuffed envelope with coupons rather
then my application. They informed me that it they are not pleased that
they footed the bill for the crap I sent them. I reply with "It says
Business Reply Mail" I'm suggesting coupons to you to ensure that your
business is more successful. They promptly hang up on me.

Now, I did this for about a month before it got boring, so I got an
added idea! I added exactly 33 cents worth of pennies to the envelope
so they paid EXTRA due to the weight. I got a call informing me about
the money, I said it was a mistake and I demanded my change back. After
yelling at the clerk and then to the supervisor they agreed to my
demands and cut me a check for the money. I hold in my hand at this
very moment a check from GTE Visa for exactly 33 cents.

Rikus

04-04-2007, 03:54 PM

Two drunks are walking along the street together.

One drunk says, "What a beautiful night. Look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend.

"You are wrong. That's not the moon; that's the sun."

Both start arguing for a while, when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stop him.

"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looks at the sky and then looks at them and says, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

Rikus

04-04-2007, 03:55 PM

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"

Rikus

04-04-2007, 03:57 PM

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.

"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.

"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter.

Suddenly a c0ckroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped it.

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"

Rikus

04-04-2007, 03:59 PM

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians."

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

Rikus

04-04-2007, 04:00 PM

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Rikus

04-04-2007, 04:00 PM

http://i174.photobucket.com/albums/w105/yooray/Pic1316.jpg

Rikus

04-04-2007, 04:01 PM

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

Rikus

04-04-2007, 04:03 PM

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." He heard a loud whisper: "~censored~ the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Rikus

04-04-2007, 04:04 PM

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.

Rikus

04-04-2007, 04:04 PM

http://i174.photobucket.com/albums/w105/yooray/bellybuttontattoo.jpg

Rikus

04-04-2007, 04:05 PM

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

Rikus

04-04-2007, 04:06 PM

This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to stay for the night. So he sees this barn up the road and asks the guy if he can stay in his barn for the night.

"Sure," says the farmer, "as long as you promise not to stick your winky into the three holes." The man promises, and the farmer leaves him there. Of course, he can't resist, and the farmer is woken up in the middle of the night by screams coming from the barn. The farmer goes down and finds the guy stuck in the third hole.

"What are in these holes?" the guy screams.

"Well," says the farmer, "one of them's my daughter, one's my cow, and one of them's an automatic milking machine that doesn't stop until it gets five gallons."

Rikus

04-04-2007, 04:06 PM

http://i121.photobucket.com/albums/o203/vaibz/exwife.jpg

Rikus

04-04-2007, 04:19 PM

A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system.

"As soon as I clock off" he said, "I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant." The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle.

A little old lady sitting there whispered, "There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first."

Rikus

04-04-2007, 04:19 PM

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

Rikus

04-04-2007, 04:20 PM

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town."

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off.

Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..."

Finally the guy interrupts: "Go home, Dad - you're drunk!"

Rikus

04-04-2007, 04:21 PM

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say yes or did she say no?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didnt remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Rikus

04-04-2007, 04:21 PM

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn''''t have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you''''ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will this ''''woman'''' cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Rikus

04-04-2007, 04:22 PM

A cowboy rides up to a saloon on his horse. He goes in, orders a drink, then leaves. His horse is gone. He goes back to the saloon, and asks, "Where's my horse?"

No one replies. So he says, "I'll order one more drink, and then if my horse isn't outside, I'll have to do what i did in Texas and I don't like doing that."

So the locals hurry around, and when he leaves, his horse is outside.

As the stranger gets on his horse, the bartender asks, "What did you do in Texas?" to which the cowboy replies, "I had to walk home."

Rikus

04-04-2007, 04:23 PM

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart ass when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Rikus

04-04-2007, 04:23 PM

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

Pitbull

04-04-2007, 05:11 PM

The following is not for the very touchy people !!!!

What do u call an Afrikaans Moffie ?

Sakkie de Kock !

Rikus

06-04-2007, 10:55 AM

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wants to get
married.

His father was happy for him. Cheerfully, asked his son who the girl is, and the young man told him that it's a girl from the neighbourhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother."

The young man again brought three more names to his old man, but ended up
more frustrated cause the response was still the same.

So he decided to go to his mother. "Mama I want to get married but all the
girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you."

His mother smiling, said to him,"Aagh! Don't worry my son, you can marry any
of those girls you're not his son anyway, but please don't tell your father."

Rikus

06-04-2007, 10:55 AM

----- SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP!

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
3. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
4. You hear your favourite song in a shopping centre.
5. You watch the News.
6. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
7. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 20. This is the worst one!
8. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
9. You take weekend naps from noon.
10. You're the one calling the police because those kids next door won't turn down the music.
11 You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
12. Y our car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
13. You feed your pet Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
14. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
17. Eating a kebab at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
18 You go to the chemist for Panado and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
19. A R12 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
20. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
21. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces " I'm never going to drink that much again!"
22. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
23. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

Rikus

06-04-2007, 10:56 AM

An Israeli doctor says : "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A British doctor says: "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

A Zimbabwean doctor: not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind, We just took a man with no brain - made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work."

Rikus

06-04-2007, 10:56 AM

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different
hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do
they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German
hell.

Then he comes to the South African hell and finds that there is a long line
of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put
you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the South African
devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so
many people waiting to get in?" "Because maintenance is so bad that the
electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the
bed, and the devil is a former Government employee, so he comes in,
signs the register and then goes home to sleep."

Rikus

06-04-2007, 10:57 AM

ESKOM ANNOUNCEMENT:

With immediate effect "Nkosi Sikelele iAfrika" will be replaced as the National Anthem with:

"Hello Darkness, my old Friend"

http://about-south-africa.com/news2/uploads/1/eskom.JPG

Rikus

06-04-2007, 10:58 AM

Steve Hofmeyer once sakkied with 10 Poppies at once.
Steve Hofmeyer drives a Tata.
Steve Hofmeyer braai's with his fingers.
Steve Hofmeyer doesn't support the Bulls, the Bulls support Steve Hofmeyer.
Steve Hofmeyer doesn't have a good voice, the microphone is scared of Steve Hofmeyer and makes his voice perfect.
When Steve Hofmeyer stares at raw meat it turns to biltong.
Bless Bridges didn't die in a car crash Steve Hofmeyer beat him to death with a red rose.
Morkels gives Steve Hofmeyer any guarantee he wants.
Steve Hofmeyer repossessed Bob Mugabe's Farm.
Not even Chuck Norris gets as many fathers day cards as Steve Hofmeyer.
The "National Party" is actually a term to describe Steve Hofmeyer's birthday celebrations...
Steve Hofmeyer cannot count. He doesn't need to.
Klipdrift is actually Steve Hofmeyer's urine.
Osama Bin Laden and Steve Hofmeyer have the same amount of letters in both their names. Coincidence?
Steve Hofmeyer is the only man alive to turn down Patricia Lewis. (do you blame him though??)
Steve Hofmeyer can get through on Vodacom.
When Steve Hofmeyer goes to Pick 'n Pay he just picks.

Rikus

06-04-2007, 10:59 AM

Tired of getting stuck in slow moving traffic? Want to have your own lane on the highway???

Simple, tie these balloons to the rear of your car. Belt it down the N3 (or any other road you wish to drive fast) and watch other car drivers freak out and simply get out of your way!

When you get stopped by the police, tell them you thought they were real!

http://about-south-africa.com/news2/uploads/1/balloons.JPG

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:01 AM

Hello, Boss Rod? This is Philemon, the gardener at your country estate. I have been trying for to speak with Boss now many days"

"Ah yes, Philemon. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Mista Rod, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the National competition?"

"eYebo Boss, that's is the one."

"Dam! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird." "What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Mista Rod"

"Rotten meat? Who in this world fed him rotten meat?"

"eNobody, Boss. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mista Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"eYes Boss Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Boss"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man? "

"The one at your house, Boss! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the!!??....Are you saying that my house is destroyed because of a candle??!!

"eYes Boss Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Mista Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"

"Of your madam wife, Boss Rod... She showed up one night when telling nobody she was coming and I thought she was a robber, so I hit her with Boss's new Tiger Woods Limited Edition Nike Driver."

SILENCE................... ,

LONG SILENCE........................................... ..................................
.......................................,

FINALLY .......................,

"Philemon, if you broke that driver, you have big big problems !!!!"

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:01 AM

1ST Picture of the Gautrain

http://about-south-africa.com/news2/uploads/1/Gautrain.jpg

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:02 AM

A traffic cop pulled a Free State farmer over for speeding. The farmer pleaded that he wasn't much over the speed limit. But the cop continued to slowly write out the ticket. He brushed a fly off his face.

The farmer said, "That sirkelgogga bothering you?"

The cop said, "What's a sirkelgogga?"

The farmer said, "That fly - they circle a horse's backside."

The cop stopped writing, looked at the farmer, and said, "Are you trying to say I'm a horse's ass?"

The farmer said, "Never! I have a great respect for officers of the law."

The cop carried on writing.

After a while the farmer said, "But you can't fool them flies."

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:07 AM

CRICKET has its sledgers and the Australians are masters. They don't always get away with it mind you and opponents have been known to get the better of them.

As Darryl Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Shane Warne told him he had been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent them eating," Cullinan retorted.

Merv Hughes said to Robin Smith (SA born) during the 1989 Lords Test after Smith played and missed: "You can't bat." Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't bat and you can't bowl."

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:09 AM

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her. Then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:14 AM

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the
ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out
of the sky saying, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach
others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then
the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:15 AM

The Love Word:

After 6 weeks: I love you, I love you, I love you!

After 6 months: Of course, I love you.

After 6 years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why do you think I proposed?

Back from Work:

After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home!

After 6 months: I'm BACK!!

After 6 years: What did your mom cook for us today?

Phone Ringing:

After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.

After 6 months: Here, it's for you.

After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE!

Cooking:

After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!

After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?

After 6 years: AGAIN!

New Dress:

After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.

After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?

After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

TV:

After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?

After 6 months: I like this movie.

After 6 years: I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to Bed, I can stay up by myself!

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:17 AM

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the US papers read: " US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fiber, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Sowetan newspaper from Johannesburg, South Africa reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 meters, Zulu scientists have found absolutely nothing. They concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology."

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:19 AM

Dear Alcohol

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good! meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable! My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT IS DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive- aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Nope, no more beer for me.
2. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
3. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
4. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:23 AM

'n Man waai sy arms om aandag te trek om die N1 waar hy langs sy gebreekte bakkie staan. 'n Gawe blond trek af om die ou te help.

Die man loop na haar kar toe: "Hello dame, jy gaan nie dalk Pretoria se kant toe nie?", vra hy. "Sure", antwoord sy. "Het jy 'n lift nodig?"

"Nee, nie vir my nie. Ek moet my bakkie probeer fix, maar hierdie twee chimps moet by die Pretoria dieretuin uitkom. Hulle is al klaar bietjie uitgefreak en ek wil hulle nie heeldag op die pad hou nie. Kan jy hulle dalk dieretuin toe vat? Ek sal jou R200 vir jou moeite gee."

Met 'n glimlag antwoord die blond: "Natuurlik. Ek is mal oor diere! Ek doen dit met graagte!" Sy sit die twee outjies in haar kar en strap die seatbelts vas en daar gaan hulle.

Paar ure later ry die man in Pretoria in en ry toevallig verby die blond en sien die chimps nog steeds in haar kar. Hy beduie haar om af te trek en hardloop hoogs die bliksem in na haar kar toe. "Wat maak die chimps nog steeds in jou kar?! Ek het jou R200 gegee en mooi gevra om hulle dieretuin toe te vat!"

"Ek weet", antwoord die blond. "Ek het hulle dieretuin toe gevat, maar daar is nog geld oor, so ons is op pad Brooklyn toe om te gaan fliek."

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:26 AM

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
----------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
----------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
----------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
----------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:29 AM

Harry crawled into bed drunk and fell asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up
with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. Who
are you?" he asked. "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too
young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back
immediately." "It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only
return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is
too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running
around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen."
Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken
run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end
was gonna blow........then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have
you never laid an egg before??" "No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Harry said "that felt really
good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that
there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Harry, for heavens sake wake up, you're *****ting all over the bed man!"

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:38 AM

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands.

He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldnï¿½t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?ï¿½ he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this; Iï¿½m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:39 AM

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. Enjoy!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:42 AM

Thabo "Die bekkie" gets an invite from Margaret Thatcher to come and visit her in England to learn a thing or two.
One afternoon while drinking tea, he asks her what's the secret of her success? She tells him that she relies on her people a lot and therefore she must be certain that they are intelligent.
She decides to show him exactly what she means and phones Tony Blair. "Now listen carefully, Mr Mbeki, I'm going to ask Mr Blair a question to determine his intelligence."
Margaret Thatcher: "Oh hello Mr Blair, I have a question for you: If your mother has a child, and your father has a child and this child is not your brother and not your sister, who is he?"
Tony Blair: "It's ME!"
Margaret Thatcher: "Correct. Thank you. Bye."
Margaret Thatcher: "Did you get that, Mr Mbeki?"
Thabo Mbeki: "Yebo yes. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Once back in South Africa, he decides that he has doubts about Dr Zuma and he's going to ask him the question. He arranges a meeting with him and asks him: "Dr Zuma, I have e question for you. Yo mother has e child. And yo father has e child. Is not yo brother, and is not yo siester. Who ees eet?"
Dr Zuma thinks - and he thinks. "Eh, you must geeve me some time to think about eet." Mr Mbeki decides to give him a day to come up with the correct answer.
That afternoon, Dr Zuma calls a meeting to discuss the question and get an answer. But NOBODY knows! They've drawn up a Zuma family tree, to no avail.
The next morning Zuma realizes that he has to give Mbeki an answer and as a last resort, he decides to phone Evita Bezuidenhout. "Evita, yo mother has e child. Yo father has e child. Is not yo brother, and not yo siester, who ees eet?"
Evita: "It's ME!"

Zuma rushes to Mbeki's office, very impressed to know the answer to such a difficult question! "Mr President, I know, I know who eet ees! Eets EVITA BEZUIDENDHOUT!"
Mbeki: "NO! You ah so stupeed. Eet is TONY BLAIR!!"

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:42 AM

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son
Jack: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."

This is how business is done!!

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:45 AM

Law of Mechanical Repair- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop- Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone- When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Law of the Alibi- If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law- If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bath Theorem- When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters- The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. (now this is soooo true)

Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:45 AM

Heaven is when you have:
a British salary, an American home, Chinese food, a German car and a South African wife.
Hell is when you have:
An American car, a British wife, a Chinese home, German food and a South African salary

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:47 AM

South Africa is a great country because:

1. You can eat half dried meat and not be considered disgusting.

2. Nothing is your fault, you can blame it all on apartheid.

3. You get to buy a new car every 3 months and the insurance company even pays for it.

4. You can experience bad service in eleven official languages.

5. Where else can you get oranges with 45% alcohol content at rugby matches?

6. It's the only country in the world where striking workers show;
how angry they are by dancing.

7. You're considered clumsy if you cannot: use a cell phone (without car kit), change CDs,
drink a beer, put on make-up, read the newspaper and smoke,
all at the same time while driving a car at 160 kph in a 60 kph zone.

8. Great accent. (!!!)

9. If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in the
most dangerous city in the world.

10. Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for your house.

11. You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire.

12. The tow-trucks are the first on the scene for most major crimes, without being called.
The police you have to call about three times.

13. Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.

14. Illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate is too high.

15. The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported.

16. When a murderer gets a 6 month sentence and a pirate TV viewer 2 years.

17. The prisoners strike and get to vote in elections!

18. The police stations have panic buttons to call armed response when they are burgled

19. Police cars are fitted with immobilisers and gearlocks!

Rikus

06-04-2007, 11:48 AM

Pietermaritzburg detectives are poised to arrest a top National Intelligence Agency (NIA) operative this week who has evaded police for almost two years despite being on active duty.

The man whose name cannot be revealed, fell foul of the law when he pawned a hi-tech laptop computer belonging to a KwaZulu-Natal government department for less than R500.

The state-of-the-art, high-powered laptop computer was worth well over R30 000 at the time it went missing.

The Durban man, who is attached to the office of the president, was arraigned more than a year ago on a charge of theft and was warned to appear in court in August 2003, but he never did.

The nature of his work and several residential addresses has allowed him to elude police
The nature of his work and several residential addresses has allowed him to elude police for so long.

His luck was strengthened by the fact that four detectives have been in charge of his case at various times.

One of the previous investigating officers left the police force.

Another detective took his own life in the middle of a busy Pietermaritzburg street after a bloody gunfight with fellow detectives that left several pedestrians injured. He was about to be arrested on allegations that he had raped his step-child.

The third detective was transferred to another branch of the police force.

Despite these hiccups, the warrant for the agent's arrest has remained active.

However, his legal troubles began in July 2003 when a relative arrived home with a computer and apparently left it in his care.

Instead of looking after the laptop, the agent allegedly pawned it for less than R500.

He was supposed to pay this amount back within seven days but never did.

The pawnshop owners in Pietermaritzburg subsequently sold the highly sought-after laptop.

The NIA agent engaged the services of lawyers to force the pawnshop to return the laptop, but they had sold the laptop and it had apparently changed hands so many times that its trail vanished into thin air.

His relative, a cousin, who works as a manager in one of the provincial government departments based in Pietermaritzburg, was forced to lay a charge after being threatened with disciplinary proceedings for not returning the computer.

Disciplinary action against him at work has been held back pending the criminal court proceedings.

Attempts to contact national NIA spokesperson Peter Brink on Tuesday were unsuccessful.

o This article was originally published on page 1 of Daily News on July 19, 2005

4cer

10-04-2007, 11:51 AM

Gees rikus :)

nicwe jokes

kokzn

11-04-2007, 10:50 AM

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet.

HUSBAND: How does that help?

WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

Tux

12-04-2007, 12:05 AM

JZ got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from his neck to the top of his head.

In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start WORKING for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to JZ, and told him to drink it all.

JZ drank the concoction and replied, "Hau!, that tasted like bull s--t!"

The doctor replied, "It was, JZ. You were a few pints low."

kokzn

18-04-2007, 04:02 PM

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The

Defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

VernD

19-04-2007, 12:57 PM

Condom says to Pad "When you work,
I lose seven days of business."
Pad replies, "If you fail to work once,
my business stops for Nine months!"

VernD

19-04-2007, 12:58 PM

A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: "Why do you have
your boobs on your back?"
The camel responded: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick
on his face!"

VernD

19-04-2007, 12:59 PM

A black guy and a white girl met at a niteclub.
She took him to her apartment and said:
"Tie me to the bed and do what black men do
best!"...

So he ran off with the TV and DVD Player...

Not very PC :/
I know

VernD

19-04-2007, 12:59 PM

Wife: "I wish I was a newspaper, so that you could hold me every morning!"
Husband: " Me too, my dear, so that I can have a NEW ONE every morning!"

VernD

19-04-2007, 01:01 PM

A Chinese couple got married.

When the baby was born, her eyes were big
and blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown.

Finally, name of baby was
SUM TING LONG ("some thing wrong")

Alan

19-04-2007, 01:01 PM

A black guy and a white girl met at a niteclub.
She took him to her apartment and said:
"Tie me to the bed and do what black men do
best!"...

So he ran off with the TV and DVD Player...

Eh...

I wonder how long VernD is gonna last :D

VernD

19-04-2007, 01:01 PM

A lady visited her doctor one morning.

Doc said:
"You look so weak and Exhausted!
Are you eating your meals 3 times a day as I advised?

Lady: "Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!"

VernD

19-04-2007, 01:03 PM

Phone rings and maid picks up the phone.

As her master is bathing, when the caller asked "what's he doing?"
the maid replied:
MASTURBATING."(Master bathing)

VernD

19-04-2007, 01:06 PM

Die vrou kom die aan by die huis met 'n nuwe ring.

Man vra waar kry jy dit?

Sy se sy en haar baas het saam lotto gespeel en wengeld gedeel.

Volgende aand nuwe selfoon.

Selfde storie. 3de aand nuwe kar. Selfde storie.

Sy vra toe haar man moet vir haar badwater in tap. Toe sy daar kom, is die prop skaars toe met water.

Toe vra sy hoekom is die water so min?

Hy se: Ek is bang jou lotto kaartjie word nat!

VernD

19-04-2007, 01:16 PM

TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE:

You marry your childhood sweetheart
You work your butt off to support her.
You have two children and send them to college.
You retire happy.

A SOUTH AFRICAN COLOURED MARRIAGE:

You marry your girlfriend because she's pregnant.
You have ten children, live in a *****ty two bedroomed rented council house and work your butt off to pay the electricity bill, your booze bill and the furniture account.
Your staple diet is bean stew and soup.
You hate your life but you're committed and you can't stay sober.
You retire broke and none of your children come to your funeral.
Your liver is donated to the University of Cape Town.

A SOUTH AFRICAN WHITE MARRIAGE:

You marry your girlfriend because she's pregnant.
You have the perfect two child family and live in the suburbs in the perfect house with the white picket fence.
Your job pays you a healthy salary and your wife doesn't have to work.
You come home one day and she's in bed with Philimon, the gardener.
You shoot your wife, the two kids and your mother-in-law because you never liked the bi*#$.
You go to jail for life and fall in love for the first time with Koos, a tattooed oke from Brakpan.

A SOUTH AFRICAN SLAMSE (MUSLIM) MARRIAGE:

You marry Fatima because she's pregnant.
You later find out that your best friend, Gatiepie is actually the father of the child.
You talak (divorce) 'Tima and marry Gadija, the Imam's daughter.
Your job as a taxi driver brings in the bacon (excuse the pun) but Dija starts putting on weight so you exercise your right to take another wife and hook up with Motjie Mariam and her three kids.
Mariam's brother Faried belongs to Pagad and threatens your life if you don't start selling mandrax.
You steal the profits, go on Hajj to Mecca and come back to mayhem.
Faried has killed Mariam to recover his money, your kids have taken over the mandrax business and your taxi has been impounded.
You take a third wife who is Christian, convert her ass and live in fear for the rest of your k@k life.

A SOUTH AFRICAN INDIAN MARRIAGE:

You marry Dada Naidoo's ugly daughter and move from Chatsworth to a poor white area (e.g. Seaview - DBN) where neighbours immediately complain about the smell of curry.
You divorce Ratna and marry your poor white neighbour's ugly daughter and spend the rest of your life trying to teach her to make curry. Her brother, a staunch Broederbond member, visits you in the dead of night, sticks your head into a pot of dal curry and almost kills you.
You vow never, ever to do such a stupid thing again-like marrying a poor white.From now on, you will only marry rich whites.

A SOUTH AFRICAN BLACK MARRIAGE:

You marry Lerato Morapi and pay 10 cattle and two sheep lobolo and spend the rest of your life trying to pay it off.
Beauty starts work in the Brakpan suburbs as a domestic, falls in love with Koos, the tattooed freak, who shoots her when he finds out she's pregnant with his child.
He is sentenced to life in prison.
You become Minister of the Interior in the new government and steal like crazy to pay off the lobolo.
You buy a Benz, hire Philimon the ex-gardener to wash it, and later catch him in bed with your new love, Fatiema, who bore Gatiepie's child while married to that slams from Die Bokaap!

A SOUTH AFRICAN GAY MARRIAGE:

You commit to Peter, the poof from Plettenberg Bay.
Your relationship is based on mutual love of all things beautiful.
You move into that perfect cottage on the lagoon in Knysna and spend endless hours staring into each others eyes and whispering sweet nothings.
You are rich because mommy and daddy left you lots of money so you don't have to work.
You're on the beach one day and spot this handsome brute fishing from the rocks.
Your eyes meet, there's instant magic and you elope with this charra from Durban who was once married to Dada Naidoo's ugly daughter.
You learn to make the best curry and roti and live happily ever after!

VernD

19-04-2007, 01:18 PM

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her 8 children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!"
The blind man replies, "If you would have put a rubber (condom) on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus right now, so shut up and walk !!!!

VernD

19-04-2007, 01:21 PM

Cards that should be available
|

| 1. I always wanted to have someone, someone to love. And now that
you've | come into my life...
|
| (Inside card) - I've changed my mind.
|
|
|
| 2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
|
| (Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.
|
|
|
| 3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
|
| (Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me ..
|
|
|
| 4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
|
| (Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably
|
| need it again.
|
|
|
| 5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
|
| (Inside card) - Almost lifelike!
|
|
|
| 6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
|
| (Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your
|
| promise.
|
|
|
| 7. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
|
| (Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?
|
|

| | 8. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and
there was|
| only one life jacket...
|
| (Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often .
|
|

| 9. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday...|
|
|
| (Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.
|
|

| 10. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't
help |
| but wonder.....
|
| (Inside card) - What the hell was I thinking
|
|
|
| 11. I'm so miserable without you...
|
| (Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.
|
|
|
| 12. Thank you for being part of my life.....
|
| (Inside card) - I never knew what evil was until I met you!
|
|
|
| 13. Congratulations on your wedding day!
|
| (Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.
|
|
|
| 14. How can I say this....
|
| (Inside card) - Your cooking kills me
|
|
|
| 15. Hooray.....
|
| (Inside card) - You're divorced.
|
|
|
| 16. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened...
|
| (Inside card) - Especially since you survived.
|
|
|
| 17. Congrats on getting married...
|
| (Inside card) - It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.
|
|
|
| 18. Someday I hope to marry...
|
| (inside card) - Someone other than you.
|
|
|
| 19. We have been friends for a very long time...
|
| (inside card) - What do you say we stop?